Daily World News: The Fiver | Railways, rams, Erasmus Darwin and Burton-upon-Trent's breweries

The Fiver | Railways, rams, Erasmus Darwin and Burton-upon-Trent's breweries:

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DERBY, ER, DAY

Ah, the smell of the derby, reader. Completely different from the smell of Derby, which is a mix of railways, rams … [Fiver looks up famous people from Derby on Wikipedia] Erasmus Darwin and, given the right wind, Burton-upon-Trent's breweries. Unless it's an East Midlands derby played in Derby, in which case the smell of the derby will be exactly like the smell of Derby. With some Leicester or Nottingham smells thrown in. Don't ask us what Leicester or Nottingham smell like, let's just say oranges. Anyway, as well as this weekend's biggies – the Dundee derby, El Clásico (not technically a derby but as anyone will tell you, everywhere in Foreign is only four miles apart) there is the small matter of Spurs v Arsenal.
There's a lot riding on it too. Because as well as the battle to be not-quite the second best team in the country, there's also a Big Cup place to scrap for. And for once, it looks like Spurs are the favourites to outdo Arsenal this season. That's in large part to Gareth Bale and his amazing supporting cast of team-mates: Not Gareth Bale, The One Who Kicks People Who Try To Kick Gareth Bale, The One Who Passes To Gareth Bale and Tom Carroll. With Bacary Sagna out, it looks like 'defender' Carl Jenkinson will be deployed to get sent off in the 29th minute for a wild hack as Bale whizzes by.
Still, Arsène Wenger will surely have thought of a Plan B. Surely? "We don't plan for anybody. It is always the same – focus on our strengths and forget about your opponent," said Wenger, a philosophy that Arsenal have stuck to admirably this season, forgetting about any opponent within 10 yards of Wojciech Szczesny's goal. "There is nobody special that you least like to face," he continued, forgetting to add "apart from a 100-foot long flying shark with eyes that shoot lasers. And lava. And dead big spikes made out of smaller sharks. Which also have laser eyes."
The last two matches between these two sides have finished 5-2 but despite Arsenal's struggles of late, a Spurs win isn't a shoo-in. Arsenal's recent form in the league is actually better than Tottenham's: four wins and a draw against three wins and two draws. And if Bale has a poor game their main attacking threat will be Jermain Defoe, who may not even make the bench because of knack or the humdrum Emmanuel Adebayor, whose play of late has smelled of something a lot worse than Derby.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I didn't have any problem with the board. I didn't have any problem with [Chelsea technical director] Michael Emenalo. I didn't have any problems with Roman Abramovich. I don't have a problem with the players" – Rafa Benítez would just like you to know he has no problems with anyone at Chelsea. Although the change in tense at the end of the quote is interesting.

FIVER LETTERS

"If Gaël Givet is fed up with Blackburn (yesterday's Bits and Bobs), he should go to Bolton where he can form the ideal partnership of Givet N'gog …" – Mike Alexander.
"Given yesterday's events, will the 'The Pope's Oldc O'Rangers' now be known as 'The Emeritus Roman Pontiff'S Oldc O'Rangers', until such time as they will of course be known as 'The New Pope's Oldc O'Rangers'?" – Steve Atkinson.
"Keith Moon never played a drum solo (yesterday's Fiver). In fact, he hated drum solos. John Bonham, Carl Palmer, even Ringo Starr played a memorable drum solo. But no. You had to go with Moon. Young people" – Christopher Smith.
"How far is 'chive bloom' from 'Fergie rant' in the purple section of the Dulux colour wall (yesterday's Fiver)? Are there any pedants out there who might be able to shed some light on the difference?" – Rich Newnham.
"Down here in New Zealand, I had to chortle at Brendan Rodgers' recommendation of Luis Suárez for the PFA Player of the Year award ('I couldn't look any further, to be honest', yesterday's Bits and Bobs). We have these telly ads that end with 'Should have gone to Specsavers'. Do you have them too?" – Rod de Lisle.
• Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. Also, if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. And to placate certain readers, the Fiver awards prizeless Fiver letter o' the day to: Mike Alexander.

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BITS AND BOBS

Ryan Giggs has signed a one-year contract extension that will take the Manchester United midfielder beyond his 103rd birthday. "What can I say about Ryan that hasn't already been said?" hurrahed Lord Ferg, stopping short of providing a pay-off.
QPR boss 'Arry Redknapp isn't worried about getting a rough ride from Southampton fans at St Mary's tomorrow afternoon. "Listen, no one was more upset than I was that the club got relegated that year," parped Redknapp, who was so upset he subsequently jumped ship to Portsmouth. "I will get a bit of grief, won't I? But what can you do?" Well …
Liverpool and England winger Raheem Sterling will stand trial on 20 May over the alleged assault of a woman in Liverpool.
France striker Karim Benzema must appear in a Madrid court on charges of reckless driving on the same day his side host Spain in a World Cup qualifier, after being caught doing 216kph in a 100kph zone.
Cluj captain Cadú has been banned for nine matches for violent conduct after relieving an opponent of five teeth during a Romanian league game. "This decision is not normal, it's an unfortunate accident," sobbed Cluj president, Iuliu Muresan. "It's clear that we'll appeal against the punishment."
And Swindon have appointed former Republic O'Ireland assistant Kevin MacDonald as their new manager. "He is a proper football man," cheered chairman Jed McCrory of Paolo Di Canio's successor.

RECOMMENDED VIEWING

AC Jimbo smoulders back into the European football papers review hot seat.

STILL WANT MORE?

This week's Joy of Six is well worth your time: cool sports stars.
Ryan Giggs clocks up his 1,000th appearance tomorrow. Daniel Taylor honours him with pretty much a word for every game in this blog.
Want a full rundown of every player who has been a team-mate of Giggs? Then this painstakingly compiled list will do the job.
Sean Ingle went to a charidee dinner. He probably ate some healthy food. He also listened to Arsenal and Spurs legends recall their best north London derby memories. You can read them here.
Ditch the music at sporting events, yells Rob Bagchi, who's as mad as hell, and not going to take this anymore.
Forget your daft Cristiano Ronaldo comparisons, Gareth Bale is more akin to John Charles, reckons David Lacey, who knows about football matches that happened before the year 2000.
That warm reception for Rafa, QPR's radical route one football and Jack Rodwell's second coming are among 10 things Paul Doyle says we should look out for this weekend.
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